Making Home Our Happy Place: A need to please

Focus concept: A need to please others   

Note: If you believe that your child suffers from an anxiety disorder, please discuss this with your pediatrician. They may recommend that you seek the assistance of a clinically trained therapist for a diagnosis and treatment plan. This person may be a psychologist, family therapist, psychiatrist or advanced practice registered nurse. This skilled clinician can make recommendations to your child’s school and help you with concerns related to your child’s anxiety at home.

Your child may exhibit anxiety at home as well as at school.  This can add stress to your family dynamic. Gaining understanding of anxiety triggers can assist your family in helping your child feel less anxious.

Identifying anxiety triggers can help you better understand your child’s reactions to certain situations.

Possible triggers may include:

-          too much unstructured time (how to spend time)

-          not enough unstructured time (schedule overload)

-          feelings of inadequacy toward a particular activity (I’m not a good enough at _______.)

-          family members arguing

-          sibling rivalry

-          a need to please others

-          lack of perfection in completing a task

-          unfamiliar guests in your home (meeting new people)

-          homework/projects

-          due dates/timelines

-          schedules that change (my friend can’t come over, we won’t be able to _______.)

-          peer issues at school or in the neighborhood (teasing, bullying, isolation …)

Let’s dig into the sixth concept: A need to please others

Children with anxiety often need feedback more often than non-anxious children. This is true at school and at home. When creating a plan for feedback at school, consider how both negative and positive feedback will be given at home. The more concrete the language, the better. Consider these two phrases:

•   “You did a nice job cleaning your room”.

• “You organized your books and toys in a way that makes it easier to keep them in a dedicated space”.

Notice that one is general and one is more specific. The first phrase does not give your child much information to use in the future. Any time you can give an anxious child specific feedback, you add to your cache and can refer back to those specifics the next time your child becomes anxious about pleasing you.